What I don't expect from my husband

Okay so the previous post was after I said yes. Lets rewind a bit to the start. The very beginning, when my profile was uploaded onto the matrimony website. So a lot of people asked me what I sort of husband I wanted, or what I expected from my husband.
This is what I would have liked to put as a write up on the matrimony site.

Dear hubby-to-be


Lets just clarify a few things right now. I am a strong independent woman. I don't need you to carry my shopping bags, but if you come along it would be great. I get an extra pair of hands and more bags can be carried. I don't need you to know that MAC is a makeup brand, so long as you don't ask me "why do you need one more lipstick", it is all good. I don't need your credit card, but if you do offer to pay I am not going to say no. I don't need your shoulder to cry on, but I would prefer it to a cold pillow. I don't need you to tell me that I look gorgeous, I know it, but if you do it definitely buys you brownie points. You don't have to plan surprises. I get that it may not be your forte, but if you did, I would love you more for just trying. You don't have to remember all of my best friends names, but it would be great if you just told me that you don't remember rather than pretend you do. I don't expect you to understand the pain I go through when I am on my cycle, but don't throw me glances which say "Damn I dunno when she'll have a mood swing now". You don't need to ask my permission for a boys night out, but you sure as hell better have some sense as to when not to go. I don't expect you to understand why I can't stand some of your girl friends, but please don't ask me to be buddies with them.

In short, I don't expect anything from you except that you should know what I expect.

krupa

I said Yes.

I said yes. I cannot believe I said yes without even thinking. Well more precisely without over thinking. What did I say yes to? I said yes to getting married. To getting married to a guy I've spoken to for less than 2 weeks. To a guy I've never held hands with, or had ice cream with, and never said I love you too. But yes, I said yes to him.

Me, the girl who has had thoughts of marriage since the age of 22, whose thoughts on marriage have evolved over the years but has not changed from that one basic criteria. The criteria that the guy I marry should let me be who I am. Me, the girl who at the age of 30 was sure that I would land up with one of those very typical thayir sadham loving, showing signs of prosperity around the belly, visits the temple every other day, and says 'abishtu abishtu' at the idea of cooking with garlic and eggs, kind of guy. I said yes to getting married.

I am not fond of change. This space on the Internet has heard me say that one too many times. I fear change despite knowing that change is the only constant. Yet the last two years has seen me grow with change. It has seen me move from one to another change in my life and I like to believe I have done it with grace. Now comes this. Marriage. The next big change in my life and I said yes to it.

I know I know that I left a lot of dialogues in my previous post about marriage, about wanting a guy who is like this and who isn't like that, etc etc, blah blah. But would you believe it if I told that I found a guy better than all of that. I'm still learning more about him as each day passes. I am still finding out that he is more than what meets the eye. I am still discovering that he is mature, sensible, grounded, fun and amazingly lovable. But I said yes, because he is the sanity to my craziness. He is the partner in crime, the shoulder to cry on, the friend, the roomate and more importantly he's The One.

I said yes because when I wrote about what I wanted in a guy to get married to him, I never thought I would find it. I am not getting my simple wedding, but in comparison to the lifetime of happiness that I am getting, it seemed like a small sacrifice. So I said yes. Yes I am getting married.

krupa

Gender Equality and the Men in the world.

It is very rare that I get fired up by a social cause and talk about it on a public forum. I am not one of those women who advocates Feminism with my every breath (I mean if the guy wants to get the bill and open doors for me, I am not complaining), but I do believe that gender equality and breaking stereotypes is important. Especially for the upcoming generations.

I recently came across a video on YouTube where the UN has brought in 7 YouTubers as Change Ambassadors. All 7 are women. While it is heartening to see that so many women are standing up and being represented, why only women?? Why has the UN not recruited any men from the world of YouTube as Change Ambassadors? Are men happy that they are always portrayed as muscular and strong and the one who isn't allowed to cry?

Why is it that it is always women who are seen to be in the forefront of change when it comes to inequality? Are the men too busy making money and careers to care about it? Or are they not being given a platform?

Some time last year, Vogue has put out a beautiful video which was called #StartWithTheBoys. It talked about how from a very young age, a baby boy is taught to not cry to express his emotion. No wonder they have issues talking about how they feel as they grow older. Having worked with a very interesting age group of kids (14-19), I know how hard it is to get a guy to express his emotions. I have struggled and sometimes, I have written it off as hormones. In his head it is is either anger or happiness, that's all. Two ends of the spectrum. What happens to every thing else that he feels? Are those not emotions worth being talked about? Is he not allowed to be upset and show that he is upset but not angry?

Most women complain that she can never get through to her guy. That her husband/ boyfriend/ fiancee/bestie/ brother is incapable of having a conversation without it turning into a shouting match and this usually ends with the woman saying "fine" and the man reading it as "oh now she is pissed with me and I have to give up what I want for her because she is weaker".

Men are sensitive too. They are just bad are accepting it. They mask every emotion because it is what they have been taught to do. It is what they have been told to do. It was what they believe to be acceptable.

I think what I am trying to say is that while I applaud the UN for having gender equality as one of their 17 sustainable goals, maybe, just maybe, they need to go about it in a different way.

I loved Emma Watson's speech- He for She. She has all the right points in place. But I would love for it to come from a man as well.

Now you may ask how am I doing anything about this. Well for starters, my fashion blogs always features real people, The guys with the beer bellies, the short petite women, the acne riddled faces (such as my own). This is me telling the world that I believe that models for a fashion blog need not be perfect. I don't need your toned, 6 pack ab to showcase my styling and the brands that I feature. And I sure as hell am not going to photoshop it in. Real people. Real stories. That is what my fashion blog is about.

Secondly, I like to believe that I have given my students and friends and family the comfort level to come and talk to me about anything. No judgement will be passed. If it is a guy who wants to cry about how a girl who secretly had a crush on for 4 years broke his heart, I am there to hear it. When my mom wants to prove that she can still lift suitcases from the attic all by herself, I stand by her (inside I do cringe and worry that she may hurt her back but that is because of the age and not the gender). When my sister come back after a gig at 2am, I tell my parents to not worry 'because she is a girl'.

Thirdly, I don't usually talk about controversial topics only because I find that the discussions (read as comments) that follow are totally useless and not helpful. However starting with this post, I am going to make myself heard a lot more especially if it something that I think can be changed. If I can help change even one person, I will be happy.

So my darling students and my friends, this is for you.

To girls out there- encourage the men in your life to talk. It takes time and he may surprise you (remember Paul Stevens. The older man that Rachel dates in FRIENDS and how he never stops crying in one episode). But do it. You need to be the role model for the next generation of girls who are never going to understand that feminism is not about fighting for women alone unless they see that the coin has two sides.

To the guys out there- There is nothing wrong with getting touch with your emotional side and expressing it. Okay sure maybe you don't want to be crying on a date but find a way to express it. Write prose, write poetry, shout it out, whisper it. but get it out of your system. It is not macho to get drunk to and send emo-shit messages to the women in your life. You are human. You are supposed to have emotions to express. If you don't, then you are definitely classified as a robot. You need to be the role models for the next generations of men who are going to grow up wondering who they actually in a world that will be divided as Feminists and non feminists.

Gender equality, people, that means both genders are important and must be respected like that. We both have role to play in society and that role is defined by each person, not society. No man/ woman is an island. Lets not forget that.

krupa

P.S while the trigger point was the video that I watched recently, this is a topic that has been on my mind for a while.  I am not trying to trigger any sort of an argument or ruffle up any feathers in the wrong way.

My blog. My opinion. Period.