Letting Go

The toughest thing in life is letting go. It is so easy to talk about it and try to be all sensible about it but in reality there are times when you just want to hold on. You don't want to part or say bye, even if it is just for a short time. Distance does change things.

Having said all this, we don't like to come off as clingy people. We want to be calm and cool when having to let go of someone or something. Emoness is for the weak. Or so we like to claim. 

Hypocrites. That's what we are. We hide our emotions or just run away from them. We distract ourselves from thinking about it. We listen to others whine and call them as emotional clingy people. 

Maybe it is time to stop and introspect.

When was the last time you weren't upset that your favourite slipper got cut just as you were heading out or you weren't annoyed that your favourite shirt had an ink stain the morning of an important meeting? 

These things get to us. Small things indeed, but they still get to us. We try not to let it show. We don't want to seem materialistic but of course we are human. 

Letting go applies even for our favourite skirts, shirts and purses, who said I was talking only about people.

When it comes to other human beings, we allow ourselves to get attached. We all do. There are some who may claim to be divine and have the ability to remain unattached to both living and non living beings. Maybe that is a distinct possibility for some one out of thousands of people. What about the rest? The " common " man has issues when it comes to parting. 

We don't want people to go away from our lives for some reason or the other; they made it a better place, we had fun with them, they made us realise we had a different side, or maybe, we just fell in love. Whatever be the reason, at the end of the day, if I must quote my favourite line (which is a really popular line from a tv show and considered to a highly emo quote), "people always leave". 

Deal with it.

Cry, get angry, punch someone, scream at the world, take a walk, dance, sing, whine about it on a public forum or blog. Do whatever it takes to get it out of your system but don't go into denial. There are too many people who will walk in and out of your life. There are too many things that you will lose in your life. Take it from a person who has seen this happen repeatedly in her life. 

It may have taken me about 10 years to realise writing is my way of dealing with it, but hey atleast I have found what works for me along with a few tears and many many episodes of brainless sitcoms.

It is hard. Nobody said it was easy.

So why am I in a 'lesson of life' mode? The past couple of weeks has been about saying bye to students who have moved away to study. They have made a difference in my life and I as happy as I am for them getting into some brilliant colleges and universities, it still pinches me that they will no longer be around. Things will change,

The past few years has seen some of my best friends, my closest buddies, girls who were like sisters to me, get married and go way. Some of them to different countries and some of them just to different parts of the same city. But the point it, I've had to deal with letting go of them. Having to remind myself that she is now Mrs.Someone else first and then only my friend. I have dealt very badly with it in the past. I have allowed myself to be overcome with emotion and breakdown. I have allowed myself to blame other person. 

Not any more. 

I now know that just because people always leave it doesn't mean that everything is lost. There are memories and photos and means to keep in touch. There is also a will to keep in touch and the more people you have abroad is directly proportional to the number of gifts that you get from there. So its not all that bad.

So I say good bye to the clingyness and the denial system that apparently wasn't working for me. It is time to let go of negativity as well. Who said letting go wasn't for the greater good?

krupa

Class Teacher Tales: The Journey to the Centre of the Class Assembly

As class teacher I got to interact with my class students much more than the subject teachers. This is especially during class assembly.
You get to dig out the hidden talents, watch them argue, fight with them, scream at them for being ever so playful, hold your head in pain as you watch them mess up lines and miss cues. It is all part and parcel of this beautiful journey that ends on a Monday morning with the teacher having palpitations and wondering why we have to go through this tension year after year. I mean wasn't the Board exams enough?

Will the audience get the message? Will they sing on note? Will the props for the skit be kept in order? Will they forget dance steps? Will I be the one held responsible for the world's worst assembly ever??
These are the thoughts that ran through my head at 7.55am.

At 9am, "Its done, its done!" is what I want to scream. All's well that ends well, right? Well that's to the external eye.

The journey of the class assembly is waaay more.

It starts with the class teacher telling her class, during the ten minute class teacher time (yes we have class teacher time), that they have a month or two for the class assembly. Immediately discussions start in small discrete packets around the classroom.
If she has a slightly over enthusiastic class then it is possible that they will come back to her the very same day and ask for 15 minutes to discuss topics during her class.
Well the smart class teacher doesn't give 15 minutes because she knows that 15 will become a full 50 minutes. Goodbye chemistry class.
If you wonder why the class teacher is hyperventilating over a lost class, well that's because its just the beginning of many such classes that disappear. Soon the class is begging for the physics class and maths class to practice for the assembly. This, of course, drives the other subject teachers insane as they have portions to finish too. "Plus the class assembly is a month away, why do they need practice time right now?"
There is always something to do. Lines to go over, scenes to redo and some cases, the whole topic is dropped and a new one chosen after many more arguments.
One would think there was just starting trouble, but oh no, to get the true class assembly effect there have to be problems that crop up in between. Someone feels like she/he is doing all the work, another he/she doesn't want a particular he/she to be a part of the singing group, yet another doesn't want to waste their time with trivial things like class assembly. Kids these days and their issues, sheesh!!
There are moments when I have had this itch in my palm to just give them all 'one tight slap' (to quote my best friend's words)

The first few classes used for discussion are a sheer waste of time but they have to happen. The class HAS to procrastinate about choosing a topic, atleast one-third of them sit with a "we really don't care about this discussion" attitude, and the rest break into smaller groups. Like one student very aptly told me once " Ma'am, I have 15 people in my class but 18 groups. What can I do?".
After about 4 wasted hours  (that's 4 * 50 minutes people. Have you any idea how much could be done in that time?), the class teacher decides to take the matters into her own hands. Enough of treating these kids like young adults and waiting for them to be mature and take a decision, it is time to the real adult steps in and interferes. (it is what all adults do).
She decides the topic, hands out duties, all while making the students feel absolutely insignificant but yet telling them that this was their assembly (P.S she will be saying that a lot more over the course of the journey)

The next step would be to start the actual practice sessions. It first starts off with Praise and Worship songs. That is always the easiest to get done until all the classes want to sing the same songs! The practice timings have to be coordinated with the Music Department and classes get rearranged accordingly.

Then the skit and dance. This is definitely the toughest to coordinate. People don't want certain parts or they want to only do a certain song. If there is a choreographer in the class, then great, some work is taken care of. Then again, if the class teacher is an interfering control freak like me, well she haa to change around some steps and make it look put together in her way.

Fixing timings to get the auditorium for a full run through is about the point where the class teacher starts to fall apart. "Nothing is ready!", she whines. The praise and worship is half done, the skit isn't complete, the dance steps are being constantly changed and the special song, is it still happening? If a Saturday morning run through doesn't happen, then that is surely as sign that something is going to mess up the Monday morning assembly.

The Saturday morning run through is the most essential part. It is when the teacher is at her wits end to get everything together in time for the assembly that is to happen in less than 48 hours. Backdrops are being made, costumes being finalized, steps being practiced. Every class teacher dreams of that perfect run through with no stops or hitches, just one run through to make them breathe easy over the remainder of the weekend. Then again, life ain't perfect, is it now? Of course everyone would turn up late for practice and the mikes wouldn't be set up yet, the music hasn't been cut, and the main MC has a family function and can't make it. It is at this point that the class teacher is ready to meltdown, or in my case melts down in front of the whole class. Nothing works better than a bit of emotional blackmail.

Suddenly everyone is just running around getting things done and the whole run through goes like clockwork.

Before she knows it, it is Monday morning and everyone has reached, except for that one kid who has probably never heard of the term "come early" in his lifetime.
Behind stage there isn't a minute when the teacher isn't praying that everything should go well. Her heart beat is in tachycardia until the National Anthem is sung.

The final step in this journey would be the post assembly treat for the class that consists of junk food for sure. Doughnuts, cakes, chips whatever it takes to hide any scars that may have occurred during the process and to mend any bridges that were burnt along the way. After all the class teacher's job isn't done yet. This is just the beginning...


krupa

Disclaimer: Exaggeration may have happened at some points. 


Epilogue:
After all that has been said, I think credit must be given where it is due. Personally I had a brilliant class, and despite all the ups and downs, they did a lot of work as well. It was very much their assembly as it was mine. I did get frustrated many times, but more due my incompetence and inability to milk them of all their talents. I think they were the best class a person could have had, then again, that's just me.
In case I forgot to tell you guys, (you know who all are), Thank you for all that you did. 

Class teacher Tales: First Day

Today was Prize Day and as I sat in the crowd watching my students walk on stage to get awards and win laurels for their achievements, I felt a sense of pride. A sense of achievement and accomplishment, like I've done something right.
As I sat there, my mind went back to the first few days, when they had just entered Junior College.

When I was told that I would be class teacher, I was ecstatic and really nervous. Teaching chemistry was one thing, but being responsible for a whole class, well that's a different ball game altogether.

As class teacher of 11 Science, my first responsibility was to make them feel comfortable and feel at ease.
The night before the student orientation I had a speech ready. I wanted to be taken seriously and give an impression of being a dignified elegant woman, The kind of person who was the perfect combination of  a disciplinarian and yet approachable.
I had practised what I wanted to say. I wanted to make the right first impression.

Then the morning of the orientation dawned. The actual orientation went well and then it came to the time when the class teacher, aka me, had to go to the class and welcome the class and tell them that I was their class teacher. Basically break the ice.
I walked into class. I was nervous. My palms were sweating and while walking up to the classroom on the top floor I very quickly reminded myself of what I wanted to talk about. 'Be calm, cool and confident', I kept telling myself.
Then I walked into class and about 22 pairs of eyes were all focussed on me. I went blank. Everything that I had prepared just flew out of my mind (that's what my students have claim happens to them during exams and tests). My stomach clenched and I just wanted to walk away and not look back.
After saying "Hi! I'm Krupa and I'll be your class teacher and also your chemistry teacher", I just stared at them. I really had no clue what to do next.

Then it clicked, yes get them to introduce themselves (yet again). I tried to elicit some responses out of the extra nervous and silent ones.
I found myself looking at all of them, trying to piece faces and names together. Trying to gauge what was my first impression of them.
There were some really bright ones (their eyes were shining), some friendly faces (I think they could see I was nervous too. Plus I think in the process of trying to make conversation I may have actually told them that it was my first time as class teacher. That was the start of me being honest and open with my class. Mistake? In retrospect it wasn't.) I saw pretty faces, handsome ones and some very serious ones. I saw eyes glinting with naughtiness and some with eagerness. I tried to take it all in, but it was a blur.
I kept trying so hard to connect with them and I cracked some stupid joke (Its me. It had to be stupid.) and I saw many of them smile. I sighed with relief.
I could do this.


krupa

P.S. I still wonder what sort of impression I did leave on them that first day. I guess I'll never know. Somethings are best left unsaid.

Winds of Change

"The toughest decisions in life come with a price to pay." This is how I started my resignation letter. Yup. You read it right, I quit.
Many people quit because they want a better pay, a better position and most commonly they are unhappy. Why did I quit?
I told the world it was to do PhD. I told some it was to get into college teaching. While all those options remain open and exist as options, I think I just needed a break. I find my tastes changing.
I like mint now. But that isn't the taste I was talking about.
I find myself wanting more time to do the things I want. I am not ready to just settle.
I loved my job. Don't get me wrong. It was the best. Working with the kids (though kids is a terrible word to describe that age), comfortable timings, loads of holidays, the feeling of authority, the oh-so many events to conduct, all of that is me. It is very me. But that's not all that is me. There is more.
More that I want to explore. (Ooh that rhymes. Maybe I could consider being a poet? Lyricist? )
Remember in a previous post, rant I had said I want it all. Well I guess this is my time to do it all.
That's why I quit. I don't want to look back after 10 years and wonder. No what ifs. Life is too short for that. But then again, you already know that.
I'm going to go now. Enough of ranting etc etc. Its time to get out there and make the most of my life.

krupa