The Culmination

My exam is tomorrow and I am sitting and typing out this post now. Well, everyone needs a break. Or like my parents keep reminding me, I apparently study in the breaks :P

Tomorrow marks the culmination of 6 months of work. I wanted to write hard work, but no, in all honesty maybe I could have worked harder. (Is it just me or does everyone feel that way before an exam?)

To sit in one place for more than 45 minutes staring at carbohydrates and sphingolipids has really exhausted me mentally.The monstrosity of the the syllabus that I have had to swim through has left me overwhelmed. And yes, I am definitely feeling the pressure, but I think it is more just the pressure that I quit a job I love, to sit and study for one of the more competitive exams in India. I have had my many many moments of frustration, many feelings of being incompetent and of course, the worry that what I am just not good enough.

So,does mean that if I don't clear this exam everything ends here? Hell no! Just studying for this exam has given me enough and more ideas of what I want to do after this. It has definitely given me direction and clarity. It has reminded me of how much I love being a teacher and a lifelong student, of how much I love biochemistry as a subject.

For the first time, in a very long time I feel focussed and my heart says "Bring it on".

This isn't the end, it is definitely the beginning.

".. And miles to go before I sleep,

     And miles to go before I sleep"- Robert Frost

Krupa

The Invigilator

Today I write a post not as a teacher but as a student.

I wrote an entrance exam recently and it was quite an experience. For starters, studying for an exam after 5 years is a task. Not just a task but a huge mountainous task (is mountainous even a word? It didn't get underlined in red, so I will assume it is and move on). It took a lot of will power from my side, and nagging from my parents to get me to sit and study for an exam again. My students, rather ex students, took great pleasure in telling me "go and study and stop texting", or asking me " Ma'am how is your preparations going on?". Some took it one step further and said "Ha now you know how we felt!". Somehow they managed to forget that I have written exams before, and then eventually became a teacher :P However, I digress.

The exam I wrote was very different from previous entrance exams. For starters, there were two blocks on which the examination was conducted. If that wasn't enough of a confusion, there were no roll numbers written on the desks in the hall. Every person who walked into the classroom looked around in sheer confusion and desperately checking each desk for their roll number. It was a free-for-all, sit-where-you-please type of seating. That has never happened to me before.

The Invigilator, dressed in a floral shirt and pants to match the shirt, walked in around 2pm in slow motion, looked around and then opened the box containing the question papers. After this he decided to ask us, "are you all writing the Biology exam?". (good time to check dude, after we sit in the hall and the exam is due to start)."What time is your exam supposed to start?"- that was the next question that sent a ripple of shock around the room and had everyone looking at everyone else. What kind of invigilator was this??

The Invigilator then took a good 20 minutes to read the entire question paper and then instructions before he handed out the papers to us.
After handing out answer sheets, he decides to re read the instructions on how to fill the answer sheet and successfully confuses even the clear ones.
Here are the instructions (I am quoting only the ones that confused him)
3. Fill the details such as name, address etc in pen on the reverse of the answer sheet
7. (iii) Fill in the reference code and the answers in pencil.

I still can't figure out how that can be confusing, but oh well, maybe his mass of hair was stopping his ears from hearing what we were trying to tell him. (he had a long pony tail that would have made my sister envious. It was definitely longer than hers)

After this he walked around checking our hall tickets and handing out the question papers. As he did this, he took a nice long good look at our faces and the terribly printed photos on our hall tickets. I am sure he was just trying to find 6 points of difference between the real person and the printed person. By the time he finished this process it was 2.40pm. (Writing time was supposed to start at 2.30pm). Once he had distributed all the papers, he says, "Start the papers when you want. Relax and write slowly." Eh... what?

The next shocker was the fact that The Invigilator just walked out of the room just as soon as everyone had started writing, for a good 10 minutes. Ummm.. I am sorry, was this not an examination hall?? Okay focus on your paper Krupa. Not like anyone would copy. There is no concept of sharing is caring in a PhD entrance exam.

I then put my head down and started working out rate of reaction questions, while silently thanking God that I was a chemistry teacher. The next time I looked up (which was after 10 minutes and two questions later), The Invigilator is busy peeling an orange, removing the fibres and eating it in a super slowly (I think he may have been counting 32 times in his head). He did this at a steady pace for the next 20 minutes (and no I didn't spend the next 20 minutes staring at him eat an orange. I just kept looking up every time I didn't get a question).

The classroom was really silent, just like any examination hall when suddenly we all hear a loud whisper, "I am in an exam.", we look up to see The Invigilator on his cell phone. 10 minutes later he walked out yet again.

In the middle of all this, the big clock on the wall wasn't working and The Invigilator had to climb up on a chair, get the clock down and reset it. Talk about disturbances and distractions.

Despite all this, I managed to sit through a a two hour exam for one hour and forty minutes before I decided that I had had enough of staring at wavelength questions that were simply not meant for a non-physics brain to answer. I got up, submitted my answer script and walked out. End of story.

Well that is one exam done. One more to go. It was an experience and hey, The Invigilator, definitely one-of-a-type kind of guy.

Now that this is out of my system, I will go study.

krupa

5 types of students you find in an exam hall

One of the most boring things to do as a teacher is invigilation for a Board Exam. It is like a slow torture cell, but that experience is reserved for another post. Yes it deserves an entire blog post dedicated to itself. We also have to invigilate school exams and that is a different kind of experience. Our school made sure that the three hour exam was broken into smaller sessions of an hour or hour and half for each teacher to do invigilation duty. That's pretty bearable provided you find a way to entertain yourself. For me, I found it fascinating to simply observe the students as they write the exam. Over four years of teaching I realised that there are some "types" of students that a recurring occurrence in each batch, so I thought I would introduce you to some of them.

1) The Late Lateefs- These are the one who walk in late even for an exam. They are just chilled out and well they know they are late but what could they do, traffic didn't reduce just because they had an exam. And getting up early? That was totally not a possibility after pulling an all nighter. They would be the last student to enter the exam hall, and mostly would have to be reminded to get their pencil case from their bag before entering the hall. Mostly they don't care about how they look and walk in like a ragamuffin.

2) The Transfixed- There is always this one student that would just stare into space for a sufficient amount of time before putting pen to paper. It usually wasn't a one time occurrence during the exam. At some point during the exam they would just stop writing and stare. Now if this person was staring directly at you, it is really creepy. I am never sure of how to react, so I just get up and walk away. The thing is, they aren't actually staring AT you, but more like THROUGH you. In some cases their eyes follow you as you walk around and have such a blankness that it makes you panic about whether they know anything or not. Then they will suddenly put their head down and write with such vigour it makes you wonder if the answer was written on you or projected somewhere behind you.

3) The Prim and Proper- I don't mean to be a sexist, but this is usually a girl. Sometimes more than one, but definitely atleast one. Its always so easy to identify her. She will have a pencil case with two backup pens, pencils, an eraser, sharpener, scale and sometimes colour pens or pencils depending on the subject. Even if during exam time, she will come neatly dressed, hair pinned away from her face, and turn up early, not just to school but also enter the hall before any teacher tells her to. She will arrange her pencil case and exam pad neatly, set down her water bottle next to her and then sit silently and pray.

4) The Crammer- This one is also The Procrastinator. You will see him/her with notes/ textbook in their hand right until the teacher says, "get in and sit down or you will lose reading time". Once inside, their lips will keep muttering something, or they will keep writing in the air. It is their way to trying to recall the last few points that they have crammed.

5) The Hair Fixers- These are definitely the funniest to observe. Their hand never leaves their hair. Like the keratin is providing all the information needed to write and the answers are flowing out of their brain cells, through hair, through their fingers down to the other arm that is busy writing. It is always easy to make out when they don't know an answer because their hand will automatically mess up their hair. Once they have it figured it out, they will start to set their hair neatly again.

There are a few more but these are the most common. I'm sure after reading this some of my students will be identifying themselves with this. I am not talking about any one of you in particular, but hey if the cap fits, go ahead and wear it.

A proud granddaughter

When my grandmother passed away. I wrote a really emotional piece about it almost immediately. It affected me a way that I tried to describe in words but I doubt I could do justice to the actual feeling.

It has been 6 months since my grandfather passed away. I know you must be wondering why I am writing this 6 months later. Was I not upset enough before? Was I not affected by his death? 

Well it so happens that today would have been his birthday. he would have been 88. I always felt proud that my birthday was just 2 days after him. It made me feel closer to him. That and the fact that I, being the first grandchild of the house was definitely the most pampered, even by him. I like to believe that even though I didn't inherit his nose, I did inherit certain other traits from him. 

He was quite the disciplinarian. Always woke up early, went about his duties of tending to Ganesha first, and then the garden, meticulously practised shorthand for as long as he could, religiously avoided the television except for the 8pm news, and went to bed by 9pm at the max. We heard stories of his famous temper but being the grandchildren we were never subjected to it. 

He was quite methodical in his daily activities, like the puja done for the Ganesha just outside the house. That puja was a huge part of his daily routine and well when we were in town, we would all fight over who would get to do the puja on his behalf. The condition was simple- you had to wake up early and have a bath before my grandpa got everything ready for the puja. Being the eldest grandchild, I liked to assume that it was my prerogative to be chosen to do it. But that;s not how it worked.
Now mind you, if you had to do the puja, it had to be done his way. You could NOT change the order in which he did it. Cleaning, washing, drying, redressing and then finally lighting the karpooram (camphor). It had to be done the exact way he would do it, and he would watch you like a hawk as you performed the whole routine. 

Lunch at 10am, that is the other thing that had to be followed very strictly. I know this is a concept beyond comprehension for any one who is not from a traditional Tam Bram family. No breakfast, just lunch at 10am and then tiffen at 3pm and dinner at 7,30pm. Well it makes sense, I mean heavy breakfast, light lunch and lightest dinner. Sorry, I digress. 

Today, being his birthday, I realise I do miss him more than I have expressed. I look at my cousins, my sister and myself, and I see various aspects of my thatha in each of us- being strong, hardworking, methodical, meticulous, the infamous rage, taking the responsibility of overlooking any work that needs to be done in the house, sincerely practising whatever skills we have, and oh yes, our command over English. He certainly left us with a rich inheritance. 

On Being at Home.

November 1st, 2014 marks six months of me being at home jobless (for lack of a better word). May 1st 2014 marked the start of a new phase, Krupa without a job. I have moments where I can't believe its already been 6 months.

Lazing around in PJs all day, having a relaxed morning and nice hot lunches, all the time for catching up on reading, more time to blog, time to do more product reviews and get the cleaning done. I would try a new recipe every week. I would have a brilliant day every day with time to achieve everything I want to and more. I'd live the ideal life at home where I would not be too busy nor too bored. Pfftttt!!

What sucks the most is the lack of a routine. I loved getting up, getting ready and going to school. The routine of staring at my wardrobe every night in search of something to wear for the next day was extremely frustrating but strangely comforting. Monday morning blues for me came into existence only if I had marks submission. On the whole I am a creature of habit and going to work meant having that set routine through the day. Sometimes weekends would be irksome due to the lack of a schedule. Being home meant creating a routine. This was just frustrating. I would wake up extremely enthusiastic about my plan for the day but by 10am I was back to my old student ways, namely falling asleep on my books, watching endless reruns on tv or worst, channel surfing even though there is absolutely nothing on tv to watch.

I've come to realise that I am not as self disciplined as I liked to believe I am. I'm just as easily distracted as the next person and go into these moments of " What is the purpose of this?". Teaching gave me a purpose. I studied better when I had to teach. (I can hear some of you out there thinking, so why don't you teach someone and you will learn better. I already started teaching biochem). Also it was so much easier when they just gave you a time table that you had to follow in school.

Time. That's the other thing I wanted to talk about. Everyone thinks that being at home means you have more time. Wrong! There is always something to do. I really have no idea how time goes in a day. I always have people telling me- but you're at home, you have all the time in the world. Trust me, time is the most elusive thing ever. More so when you are home doing a dozen things and trying to get more done.

Yes I am doing a dozen things besides studying. I am studying as well okay (I know my dadddy will read this and comment that I am not stuyding enough). Multi tasking keeps my brain active and occupied. I know that's the burning question on everyone's mind- What are you doing?
I give a different answer to that question every time but I think the best answer would be, I am keeping busy and learning a lot. I have finally found my balance and what works for me. Details about what I have done so far will be a post of its own.

In short being at home has been an experience in itself. As one of my friend's put it "you have the time to achieve everything you want, just prioritize". It has a been a journey of self discovery (I am discovering that there are things about myself I don't like). It has been relaxing in a way. I am living for myself after a very long time.

My time at home has truly been about "I Me Myself" (and don't mean just this blog.)

The Comiccon Experience

Confession- I have never read a Marvel comic. Yes yes I can hear the gasps.

When you say comics, Tinkle and Archies are definitely the first ones that come to my mind. In terms of superheroes, Ironman is my favourite. Robert Downey Jr converted me into a fan. In fact I watched Avengers only because of him and Mark Ruffalo.

Being the kind of person that I am, I wouldn't say that going Comiccon was a natural decision. But well, things for a happen for a reason and my cousin had some extra tickets so I went. I had no idea of what it would be like or what to expect, but that's good right? No expectations means no disappointments. That's exactly how I felt when I came out. Not disappointed at all.

The one thing that struck me was the number of stalls selling quirky merchandise. I had heard of a few like Chumbak, but I was exposed to a whole bunch of new brands. Graphicurry was one place that completely caught my attention. They truly took graphics to a different level. Lots of new gifting options were there.

I expected to see a lot of people in costumes but there weren't as many as I expected. Maybe people aren't yet ready to shed their inhibitions and be someone else for a day. Not like I went in costume to comment on that.

Watching Big Bang Theory always made me wonder what the whole hungama over Comiccon was. I never thought it would be such a huge thing here. By 1.30pm the place was super crowded and like my friend commented, "if you weren't careful, you may lose an arm". Maybe it was crowded only because of the hype around it or maybe that many people are actually into comics. I don't know.

There were families with little kids, college kids, and lots of working people who were just chilling on a weekend. I guess Comiccon gave everyone something to do besides sit in a cafe or roam in a mall. I think it sucks that there is no place to go in Bangalore that doesn't involve food. As much as I love eating, some times I would like to just get out and chill some place, and not shell out hundreds of rupees every time I do. Anyone feel the same way??

It was interesting to see how graphic novels seem to be taking the centrestage these days. We had the opportunity to witness the release of yet another graphic novel. This was on the Kauravas and well I was lucky enough to win a copy. Thank god for reading the Mahabaratha, eh.

As I type this out I just realised that I didn't see anything on Garfield or Calvin and Hobbes. No stalls selling merchandise and I am pretty sure we left no stall un-viewed. I would have thought that they are simply the most popular comic strips of the yesteryears, and even today. Who hasn't read Calvin and Hobbes and chuckled at that kid!

Overall it was an enjoyable experience. I came away with a bunch of merchandise for the sister and friends and a badge for myself that says "Everybody lies". More importantly I came with tired legs, aching shoulders and the feeling of having had a really relaxing day. Sometimes it is nice to just find the fun person in you and squeal at the idea of taking a picture with a person in costume. After all it is not everyday you get to fight with light sabers or wear coloured wigs right?

Teacher's Day Special: 5 things I learnt as a teacher

The one thing that I have always believed in is that you learn something new every day. This does come with a clause, you have to be open to learning and willing to receive knowledge from any one and any thing. This is especially true when you are a teacher.
Teaching younger children usually reminds you of your childhood days and brings back memories of a time when every 'big deal' as forgotten in a few minutes. However teaching older children, on the brink of adulthood is a whole different ball game. Here is what I learnt teaching

As teachers more often than not we go to class with a certain mindset. This is a naughty class. This class never listens to anyone. This class asks the most silliest doubts. This class is just rude, loud and obnoxious.

Lesson 1: Never go with a preset notion. A bunch of rowdy 17 year olds can truly astonish you with their sensitivity. They can surprise you with their philosophies and thoughts if you give them the chance.

I had a teacher who had us labelled as "creatures", I was hell bent on NOT labelling my students. That's easier said than done. After a point your mind automatically says, 'I have a bunch of blondes. I might as well give up on trying to make them score better'. 

Lesson 2: Never give up! With patience and perseverance anything is possible. I have seen my students who have failed all through school exams but get a 1st class in the Boards. (I like to believe it is because I believed in them, though I never believed in my teaching ability)

I talk really fast. It is who I am. And so this often leads to the tendency to trip over my own words (I am also clumsy and so I trip over my own feet as well. You would think that a dancer would be more elegant and graceful). In my hurry to explain a concept before I forget it, I just blurt it out. It could be considered as a word vomit. This usually happens because I know if I slow down, I will forget what I want to say. It is usually at this point that I completely mess up the concept and teach something wrong. More than once I have had a student correct me. Humiliating? No. 

Lesson 3: Just because you are the teacher, doesn't mean you know everything. Being open to corrections and criticism is what has helped me grow as a person.
I am human, I err.

There was this boy in my class, definitely the smartest kid I had ever met, (I truly believe I will never meet anyone smarter than him ever again), but that wasn't why I was fond of him. Never once did I ever hear him say no when someone asked him to solve a problem. More importantly never once did I hear him brag about his marks. Never once did he look bored by what I taught in class, even though I know he knows more than me. 

Lesson 4: Humility. Not just as a teacher but even as a human being this is an essential quality. It makes a person outstanding. As a teacher it is all the more important to be humble. This kind of correlates to lesson 3 as well.

I know that I have teachers that I have loved and till today I am still in touch with them and I wish them for their birthday and Teacher's day. I am talking about a few teachers in school who have really made a huge impact on my life and even my friends lives. These are the few teachers who were the first to know when I got a job and also when I quit my job.
To have that feeling reciprocated by my students is something that words cannot do justice. They have truly surprised my with their love and affection. I am not talking about the birthday wishes or gifts. I am talking about their actions. Simple things like calling up out of the blue just because they wanted to tell me what was going on in their life and find out what was going on in mine. It is a feeling of belonging. 

Lesson 5: Unconditional love does exist. Every time you feel that you students hate you, they will turn around and do something totally unexpected to show you they don't. You've just got to be patient till they realise what you mean to them and make sure that you don't forget to show them what they mean to you.

Like I said in the start, you can learn something new every day, as long as you aren't a horse with blinkers.

krupa

This is what your mommies told you all along.

So as some of you may know I am currently at home studying for an exam that is in December. Now ideally I should be doing like some crazy 8 hours of study or that is what coaching centres say that I should be doing but I am not. I am not the kind of person who can just sit in one place and read one thing for hours on end. Therefore it made sense for me to find other ways to keep myself occupied.

One of the things I found was this course on Coursera called Learning How To Learn. Even as a teenager I found these kind of topics on self help very fascinating. I have books on How To Study and How To Take A Test, I have read 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens. I an currently reading the One Minute Manager. You see the general trend right? Well naturally I gravitated towards choosing this course. As Coursera is an online portal for education, it basically means you have to keep yourself motivated to finish the course. It really is not easy to do that, especially as being online means there is a tendency to "surf the web" and look at anything else but what you should.

If you ask my mom she will say that all of these books and courses ultimately give the same advice which she has been giving me for years. True. But they also give effective ways to ensure that you actually do follow the advice and don't just hear it in one ear and let it out through the other ear.

The first week of class I managed to get through on time. But the second week I got very distracted and lost track. I almost submitted the assignment late. I loved the third week of class and as I write this post I am in the last week of the course. It has been a fascinating journey and it only seemed correct to document what I have learnt (also it was part of an assignment).

The topic that hit closest to home was Procrastination. How much I procrastinate is no joke. I spent a day just writing down how I want to spend a day. How my ideal day should be spent. How much time I should allocate for everything that I wanted to do. It was interesting because when I added it up I realised that I needed 27 hours in a day and I had just wasted 4 hours doing this (and surfing etc in between).

Procrastination is an addiction. We don't realise that we are doing it. It slowly but surely becomes a part of us and soon we just can't function without wasting a whole load of time in fantasizing how life would be if we just did the work. The first step to tackling an problem is admitting that you have a problem. Then and only then can you find a solution.

I was hoping that the course would help me to focus and study for the upcoming exam and it has.

Here are some of the major things that I learnt:

1) We are constantly learning, whether consciously or subconsciously. If you are forcing yourself to sit and learn it is focussed learning and the rest of the time it if diffused learning. One of my favourite examples that I use to teach in class would be how Kekule dreamt of the structure of benzene in his sleep. Well he didn't dream of the actual structure, he saw a snake chasing its own tail and realised that benzene in a ring structure would explain all properties of benzene. Where did I read about this bit of information, I have no idea. Maybe I was in a diffused thinking mode at that point.

2) For years and years people having been saying 'get enough sleep'. It is true, it makes a huge difference to being receptive. I have always been a 'early to sleep, early to rise' kind of person, so this just reiterated that I was doing the right thing.

3) Seeing is believing. When we can visualize something we understand it better. Sometimes we need to use a visual aid as an analogy to a concept. I remember when studying M.Sc Biochemistry, I learnt the lipid structures by visualizing them as tadpoles with tails, two tails, one eye and one tail, etc. It really helped.

4) I used to tell my students "start with the easiest problem first then move on". WRONG! Apparently if we start with the hardest problem and then shift to the easy one, we are working both our diffused and focussed modes, and technically we should be able to answer a test more efficiently. This may not apply for my students because, well, they are all crammers and this doesn't work with cramming.

5) Procrastination is one thing I do a lot. Or that I used to do. I have been very diligently writing a 'to do' list every day, keeping my goals for the realistic and setting a finish time for the goals. The first two days I achieved only 2 out of 6 goals. But after I got over the initially road hump, I have been achieving everything on my list for the day.

6) Pomodaro- That is a simple technique that has magically transformed my way of studying. 25 minutes, on a timer, to focus and study a topic or a portion of a topic and recall it. Sounds simple, right? It is! And also super effective. With my cell phone being used as a timer, I am forced to stare at the text book and focus. Also the idea of racing against time pumps my adrenaline. I HAVE to finish these 2 sub topics in 25 minutes really drives me to do it.

Being a blogger, studying for an exam, doing a Coursera course and taking tuition means that I need to allocate time for all of this. Each of those activities is time consuming.You have no idea how much time it takes to get one blog piece out. Not here, but my beauty blog.
Breaking what I need to do into smaller goals has helped me spend my time usefully and not only study all day.

I am proud to say that Learning How To Learn has really helped me bring out the multi tasker in me but with a different definition. I always thought being able to text and watch a show was multi tasking, but apparently our brains are wired to do only one task at a time for the task to be effective. The best way to multi task would be to schedule time for the multiple tasks you need to achieve, and spread it over a few days.
I tried that and I have been able to work on the blog every day, either editing pictures or typing content. I have managed to make worksheets for the tuition kids, and I have been able to study for my exam for almost 4 hours a day. Lets not forget the exercise and watching tv that have fitted into the schedule as well.

Maybe it sounds like I am advocating for the course, but its too late. The course ends in another few days. So the purpose of this post was merely to document what ever I have learnt. After all recalling is one of the techniques I learnt.

You learn something new every day, but only as long as you are willing to learn.

P.S to my students- your parents are right about everything they say- cell phones as a distraction, focus on task at a time, and sleep before an exam is important. Listen to them or you will end up doing a course like this at an age when you should have been done studying

Letting Go

The toughest thing in life is letting go. It is so easy to talk about it and try to be all sensible about it but in reality there are times when you just want to hold on. You don't want to part or say bye, even if it is just for a short time. Distance does change things.

Having said all this, we don't like to come off as clingy people. We want to be calm and cool when having to let go of someone or something. Emoness is for the weak. Or so we like to claim. 

Hypocrites. That's what we are. We hide our emotions or just run away from them. We distract ourselves from thinking about it. We listen to others whine and call them as emotional clingy people. 

Maybe it is time to stop and introspect.

When was the last time you weren't upset that your favourite slipper got cut just as you were heading out or you weren't annoyed that your favourite shirt had an ink stain the morning of an important meeting? 

These things get to us. Small things indeed, but they still get to us. We try not to let it show. We don't want to seem materialistic but of course we are human. 

Letting go applies even for our favourite skirts, shirts and purses, who said I was talking only about people.

When it comes to other human beings, we allow ourselves to get attached. We all do. There are some who may claim to be divine and have the ability to remain unattached to both living and non living beings. Maybe that is a distinct possibility for some one out of thousands of people. What about the rest? The " common " man has issues when it comes to parting. 

We don't want people to go away from our lives for some reason or the other; they made it a better place, we had fun with them, they made us realise we had a different side, or maybe, we just fell in love. Whatever be the reason, at the end of the day, if I must quote my favourite line (which is a really popular line from a tv show and considered to a highly emo quote), "people always leave". 

Deal with it.

Cry, get angry, punch someone, scream at the world, take a walk, dance, sing, whine about it on a public forum or blog. Do whatever it takes to get it out of your system but don't go into denial. There are too many people who will walk in and out of your life. There are too many things that you will lose in your life. Take it from a person who has seen this happen repeatedly in her life. 

It may have taken me about 10 years to realise writing is my way of dealing with it, but hey atleast I have found what works for me along with a few tears and many many episodes of brainless sitcoms.

It is hard. Nobody said it was easy.

So why am I in a 'lesson of life' mode? The past couple of weeks has been about saying bye to students who have moved away to study. They have made a difference in my life and I as happy as I am for them getting into some brilliant colleges and universities, it still pinches me that they will no longer be around. Things will change,

The past few years has seen some of my best friends, my closest buddies, girls who were like sisters to me, get married and go way. Some of them to different countries and some of them just to different parts of the same city. But the point it, I've had to deal with letting go of them. Having to remind myself that she is now Mrs.Someone else first and then only my friend. I have dealt very badly with it in the past. I have allowed myself to be overcome with emotion and breakdown. I have allowed myself to blame other person. 

Not any more. 

I now know that just because people always leave it doesn't mean that everything is lost. There are memories and photos and means to keep in touch. There is also a will to keep in touch and the more people you have abroad is directly proportional to the number of gifts that you get from there. So its not all that bad.

So I say good bye to the clingyness and the denial system that apparently wasn't working for me. It is time to let go of negativity as well. Who said letting go wasn't for the greater good?

krupa

Class Teacher Tales: The Journey to the Centre of the Class Assembly

As class teacher I got to interact with my class students much more than the subject teachers. This is especially during class assembly.
You get to dig out the hidden talents, watch them argue, fight with them, scream at them for being ever so playful, hold your head in pain as you watch them mess up lines and miss cues. It is all part and parcel of this beautiful journey that ends on a Monday morning with the teacher having palpitations and wondering why we have to go through this tension year after year. I mean wasn't the Board exams enough?

Will the audience get the message? Will they sing on note? Will the props for the skit be kept in order? Will they forget dance steps? Will I be the one held responsible for the world's worst assembly ever??
These are the thoughts that ran through my head at 7.55am.

At 9am, "Its done, its done!" is what I want to scream. All's well that ends well, right? Well that's to the external eye.

The journey of the class assembly is waaay more.

It starts with the class teacher telling her class, during the ten minute class teacher time (yes we have class teacher time), that they have a month or two for the class assembly. Immediately discussions start in small discrete packets around the classroom.
If she has a slightly over enthusiastic class then it is possible that they will come back to her the very same day and ask for 15 minutes to discuss topics during her class.
Well the smart class teacher doesn't give 15 minutes because she knows that 15 will become a full 50 minutes. Goodbye chemistry class.
If you wonder why the class teacher is hyperventilating over a lost class, well that's because its just the beginning of many such classes that disappear. Soon the class is begging for the physics class and maths class to practice for the assembly. This, of course, drives the other subject teachers insane as they have portions to finish too. "Plus the class assembly is a month away, why do they need practice time right now?"
There is always something to do. Lines to go over, scenes to redo and some cases, the whole topic is dropped and a new one chosen after many more arguments.
One would think there was just starting trouble, but oh no, to get the true class assembly effect there have to be problems that crop up in between. Someone feels like she/he is doing all the work, another he/she doesn't want a particular he/she to be a part of the singing group, yet another doesn't want to waste their time with trivial things like class assembly. Kids these days and their issues, sheesh!!
There are moments when I have had this itch in my palm to just give them all 'one tight slap' (to quote my best friend's words)

The first few classes used for discussion are a sheer waste of time but they have to happen. The class HAS to procrastinate about choosing a topic, atleast one-third of them sit with a "we really don't care about this discussion" attitude, and the rest break into smaller groups. Like one student very aptly told me once " Ma'am, I have 15 people in my class but 18 groups. What can I do?".
After about 4 wasted hours  (that's 4 * 50 minutes people. Have you any idea how much could be done in that time?), the class teacher decides to take the matters into her own hands. Enough of treating these kids like young adults and waiting for them to be mature and take a decision, it is time to the real adult steps in and interferes. (it is what all adults do).
She decides the topic, hands out duties, all while making the students feel absolutely insignificant but yet telling them that this was their assembly (P.S she will be saying that a lot more over the course of the journey)

The next step would be to start the actual practice sessions. It first starts off with Praise and Worship songs. That is always the easiest to get done until all the classes want to sing the same songs! The practice timings have to be coordinated with the Music Department and classes get rearranged accordingly.

Then the skit and dance. This is definitely the toughest to coordinate. People don't want certain parts or they want to only do a certain song. If there is a choreographer in the class, then great, some work is taken care of. Then again, if the class teacher is an interfering control freak like me, well she haa to change around some steps and make it look put together in her way.

Fixing timings to get the auditorium for a full run through is about the point where the class teacher starts to fall apart. "Nothing is ready!", she whines. The praise and worship is half done, the skit isn't complete, the dance steps are being constantly changed and the special song, is it still happening? If a Saturday morning run through doesn't happen, then that is surely as sign that something is going to mess up the Monday morning assembly.

The Saturday morning run through is the most essential part. It is when the teacher is at her wits end to get everything together in time for the assembly that is to happen in less than 48 hours. Backdrops are being made, costumes being finalized, steps being practiced. Every class teacher dreams of that perfect run through with no stops or hitches, just one run through to make them breathe easy over the remainder of the weekend. Then again, life ain't perfect, is it now? Of course everyone would turn up late for practice and the mikes wouldn't be set up yet, the music hasn't been cut, and the main MC has a family function and can't make it. It is at this point that the class teacher is ready to meltdown, or in my case melts down in front of the whole class. Nothing works better than a bit of emotional blackmail.

Suddenly everyone is just running around getting things done and the whole run through goes like clockwork.

Before she knows it, it is Monday morning and everyone has reached, except for that one kid who has probably never heard of the term "come early" in his lifetime.
Behind stage there isn't a minute when the teacher isn't praying that everything should go well. Her heart beat is in tachycardia until the National Anthem is sung.

The final step in this journey would be the post assembly treat for the class that consists of junk food for sure. Doughnuts, cakes, chips whatever it takes to hide any scars that may have occurred during the process and to mend any bridges that were burnt along the way. After all the class teacher's job isn't done yet. This is just the beginning...


krupa

Disclaimer: Exaggeration may have happened at some points. 


Epilogue:
After all that has been said, I think credit must be given where it is due. Personally I had a brilliant class, and despite all the ups and downs, they did a lot of work as well. It was very much their assembly as it was mine. I did get frustrated many times, but more due my incompetence and inability to milk them of all their talents. I think they were the best class a person could have had, then again, that's just me.
In case I forgot to tell you guys, (you know who all are), Thank you for all that you did. 

Class teacher Tales: First Day

Today was Prize Day and as I sat in the crowd watching my students walk on stage to get awards and win laurels for their achievements, I felt a sense of pride. A sense of achievement and accomplishment, like I've done something right.
As I sat there, my mind went back to the first few days, when they had just entered Junior College.

When I was told that I would be class teacher, I was ecstatic and really nervous. Teaching chemistry was one thing, but being responsible for a whole class, well that's a different ball game altogether.

As class teacher of 11 Science, my first responsibility was to make them feel comfortable and feel at ease.
The night before the student orientation I had a speech ready. I wanted to be taken seriously and give an impression of being a dignified elegant woman, The kind of person who was the perfect combination of  a disciplinarian and yet approachable.
I had practised what I wanted to say. I wanted to make the right first impression.

Then the morning of the orientation dawned. The actual orientation went well and then it came to the time when the class teacher, aka me, had to go to the class and welcome the class and tell them that I was their class teacher. Basically break the ice.
I walked into class. I was nervous. My palms were sweating and while walking up to the classroom on the top floor I very quickly reminded myself of what I wanted to talk about. 'Be calm, cool and confident', I kept telling myself.
Then I walked into class and about 22 pairs of eyes were all focussed on me. I went blank. Everything that I had prepared just flew out of my mind (that's what my students have claim happens to them during exams and tests). My stomach clenched and I just wanted to walk away and not look back.
After saying "Hi! I'm Krupa and I'll be your class teacher and also your chemistry teacher", I just stared at them. I really had no clue what to do next.

Then it clicked, yes get them to introduce themselves (yet again). I tried to elicit some responses out of the extra nervous and silent ones.
I found myself looking at all of them, trying to piece faces and names together. Trying to gauge what was my first impression of them.
There were some really bright ones (their eyes were shining), some friendly faces (I think they could see I was nervous too. Plus I think in the process of trying to make conversation I may have actually told them that it was my first time as class teacher. That was the start of me being honest and open with my class. Mistake? In retrospect it wasn't.) I saw pretty faces, handsome ones and some very serious ones. I saw eyes glinting with naughtiness and some with eagerness. I tried to take it all in, but it was a blur.
I kept trying so hard to connect with them and I cracked some stupid joke (Its me. It had to be stupid.) and I saw many of them smile. I sighed with relief.
I could do this.


krupa

P.S. I still wonder what sort of impression I did leave on them that first day. I guess I'll never know. Somethings are best left unsaid.

Winds of Change

"The toughest decisions in life come with a price to pay." This is how I started my resignation letter. Yup. You read it right, I quit.
Many people quit because they want a better pay, a better position and most commonly they are unhappy. Why did I quit?
I told the world it was to do PhD. I told some it was to get into college teaching. While all those options remain open and exist as options, I think I just needed a break. I find my tastes changing.
I like mint now. But that isn't the taste I was talking about.
I find myself wanting more time to do the things I want. I am not ready to just settle.
I loved my job. Don't get me wrong. It was the best. Working with the kids (though kids is a terrible word to describe that age), comfortable timings, loads of holidays, the feeling of authority, the oh-so many events to conduct, all of that is me. It is very me. But that's not all that is me. There is more.
More that I want to explore. (Ooh that rhymes. Maybe I could consider being a poet? Lyricist? )
Remember in a previous post, rant I had said I want it all. Well I guess this is my time to do it all.
That's why I quit. I don't want to look back after 10 years and wonder. No what ifs. Life is too short for that. But then again, you already know that.
I'm going to go now. Enough of ranting etc etc. Its time to get out there and make the most of my life.

krupa

An ode to friendship. Or maybe something more.

June 1st 1994 saw a little girl in a navy blue frock stand in the foyer of The Frank Anthony Public School and look all around her. This is where she was going to study now on. It as a strange feeling. She had left behind her best friends in Roxbourne First School and brought with her only her strong British accent. She entered a classroom which was full of faces and uniforms. But there was one exception. Another girl in a frock and two long plaits. She seemed more comfortable. 

This was how I met Janani.

Its been twenty years since we first met. Twenty years of being best friends. Maybe BFF isn't such a cliche after all.  From bonding over our foreign accents (only she could match my speed of talking and understand my accent. And oh, she had, has an American accent), to arguing over which guy in our class was the cutest for that day (cuteness really did not last more than a day or two tops. It changed a lot). We've fought. (Nobody really knows that). I've mercilessly joined her sister in teasing her about her need to match jeans and tee shirts, and her accent that never went away (Now its back with a vengeance). I've hated the guys she has liked (We've never fought over a guy). We've shopped together. I did her makeup for her wedding and a photoshoot? (Gosh do you remember that). We've written each others names as "best friend" in every slam book that we ever wrote. She always made the best friendship bands and a killer grilled cheese. She has baked pizzas for my birthdays and given me her shoulder when I have needed to cry. From birthday cards that are so artistic they should be framed, to hand made gifts and even a gift box with 26 gifts (for me 26th Birthday) she has done it all. 

Through breakups and heart breaks (I would still like those guys who did that to her), we've lasted. We've seen been to the beach and the mall and tons of restaurants (that may never let our gang in again). She is our reunion planner. There is no way we would find a place to meet without her.  (and I would never have had a surprise 18th birthday party)

She sings, I dance. She is the smart one. I am the hard working one. I am the girly girl and she is the boyish one. She has a need for speed (even when she was riding just a cycle). She's about experimenting. I am a creature of habit. She is logical and me, emotional.

After all this time, we are still as different as chalk and cheese. 

So its not just birds of a feather who flock together. Opposites truly do attract.
A best friend. A sister. My biggest fan. My nemesis. After all love manifests in different forms.

So look around you. Your best friend hasn't gone anywhere. And before you know it, 20 years would have gone back.

Cheers

krupa

P.S this was supposed to have gone up on June1st. Oh well!! better late than never.

After all I am just their teacher.

"Ma'am nothing what you taught came", "This was the worst paper ever", "Ma'am are you sure this name reaction is in the syllabus, none of us remember reading it". 

I woke up with a start. The accusations were still ringing in my ears. I checked the time by squinting at the screen of my phone. 4:07am. There was still a few more hours before my students wrote their exam. Why did they always have to keep chemistry as the last exam and with a two week break.? Of course no one studied for those two weeks. Maybe the last three days. I wondered if R* had finished organic and if A* had finished coordination chemistry. She really wasn't comfortable with the nomenclature. I should have worked out a few more compounds with her. Maybe a few more sums on mole concept would have really benefited the whole class. With these thoughts filling my head, I fell back into a disturbed sleep. I had been up till 1am the previous night going over the entire inorganic section with a student and having had a very restless night, I woke up grumpily and groggy at 7am. I did have to get to school and take class for the 11ths.

It was 1pm. My students were gathered on the steps and I dreaded the torrent of questions. I am not a walking encyclopedia of chemistry and when they just bombarded me with questions one hour before the exam it really threw me off. But for a change, they were silent. They just discussed things amongst themselves. I am pretty sure that I even heard some talk about basketball scores. They seemed relatively relaxed. More than I felt anyway. I sat in a corner not sure whether to enter in a discussion with any of them or not. 

It was 5pm. I must have stared at the clock for the past 3 minutes and it wasn't moving any faster than before. It really took forever for them to come out of the exam hall. With each passing minute, it felt like time was just crawling by. Crawling.

5.15pm. "Ma'am it was a good paper". I smiled, a not-fully-convinced smile. I glanced over the question paper. It was relatively easier than the last year's paper. I wondered if P* had written neatly without squashing everything together and if L* had managed to answer all of the organic. Most of them barely looked at me. Maybe one or two said thank you. And then it was over.

They all went their own ways- to eat, to play basketball or football, or to just get home and sleep. I just stood unsure of where I was supposed to go. After all, I was just their teacher....

krupa

*names changed to protect the identity

BUSY

People always ask me- Why are you always busy. I make up stuff like- Oh I'm a workaholic, I love my work, I am duty bound, a teacher's job never ends, blah blah blah. Though that may be partially true, there is so much more.
Being not busy means asking friends to meet up, going out and having some fun. Being not busy means having the time to catch up with those who matter to you. Being not busy also means getting turned down by all the other busy people. So what is the purpose of being not busy?? Just to hear every person around you say- Oh I have relatives coming over, I'm working in the lab today, I have lots of cleaning to do.
Atleast some people have the courtesy and the presence of mind to always have an excuse. The rest, they just don't reply. It makes you realise that you don't matter as much as something else does.
When no one has the time for anyone else, why should anyone else be anything but busy?
And so like always- I am Busy.

Krupa

Ten Years.

How easily we talk about a decade.

Jan 2004:
She sat in the exam hall, staring at the question paper. Vant Hoff factor. Oh come on. Surely atleast this time you know what it is. Something about electrolytes and a theoretical value. Forget it. I will never pass chemistry.

Feb 2004:
Dressed in a white sari and a candle in her hand, she looked at her best friend with tears in her eyes. School life as they knew it was coming to an end. She didn't want the evening to end. Maybe if she held on a little longer, things would not change. They all cried and hugged and promised to keep in touch.

March 2004:
Eat. Study. Cry. Study some more. Eat. Sleep. This seemed like a routine. When would these exams come to an end. Why did chemistry have to be the last paper. Stupid Chemistry.

May 2004:
Thank you God. I passed in Chemistry.

June 2004:
Me? I study at Joseph's. MCB. Microbiology, Chemistry and Botany.

June 2007:
Biochemistry is what I want appa. I am sure. No more staring into microscopes.

June 2009:
What am I doing? Oh I am waiting to do M.Phil at University of Madras.

June 2010:
I teach at Bethany High School. Chemistry for class 11 and 12 (jaws around me drop and I love that reaction).

March 2014:
"Vant Hoff factor is the ratio between the observed and calculated value for colligative properties telling us whether a solute undergoes association or dissociation in solution".  God please let me students remember this better than I did.

It has been 10 years. I have grown. 10 years it has taken for me to be comfortable with a subject I never thought I would pass in.10 years to confidently stand in front of class and teach what I was never confident about. 10 years to gain a few kilos :P 10 years to grow out of being a not so popular person into the a valuable asset to my department (atleast I like to believe I am). 10 years to discover that I could teach chemistry, dance, take photos, make powerpoint presentations, set question papers, correct answer scripts, take tuition,be the author of a makeup blog, be the editor of a newsletter, be on the basketball team, go out for coffee, perform in shows, teach dance, design clothes, shop, MC, organize events and yet have time for me. 10 years to know that there is so much more to me than what I knew which makes me realise that all my students need is a push to reach their potential.
10 years is a long time and when I look back I have achieved a lot. Maybe I could have done more, maybe I have done more.
10 years later is now.
Now as I watch my students go through their Valedictory and their Board exams I am reminded of a thin tall girl with geeky glasses and a long long skirt standing outside the exam hall with chemistry notes in her hand and fear in her heart. Now she prays that none of her students go with that fear. If only they could see what 10 years would do to them. Then again, 10 years is a long time away.

Krupa

Why I dance

Everyone who knows me, knows I dance. They also know how much I love dance. But why?
This video link was sent to me by a friend, a guy who has known me for barely a month and he yet he knows what dance means to me. This video got me thinking, why do I dance?

Dance is about the expression. 
That feeling I get when every part of my body is moving to the rhythm. 
When all I want is to let go. 
When I want to cry.
When I am happy. 
When I am frustrated.
It is about showing love and anger. 
It is about the stage, and the applause.
It for everybody but for nobody.
It is for me.

Dance is mine.
In my every breath, In my every step.
I cannot walk, I can only dance.
It travels with me. I travel for it.
The beat is in my heart.
The music in my soul.
The movement in my feet.
I dance because it is me.

All the world is a stage
A stage for my dance to be heard.
A cry for help, a tantrum.
The arrogance, the innocence.
The divine, the ego.
It all storms through me
It rips me apart.
Dance makes me whole.
It makes me complete.
Without it, I am not me.

People always leave.
My dance stays.
Till death do us apart.
Dance is me and I, dance.
This is why I dance.